Mates, Math, and Musicians

MATES:
It's the first time since my breakup, that I've been able to find the positive. It's taken almost 2 years. It's disgusting when I think that I've waisted 2 years of my life on top of a year that I spent with a guy who controled, manipulated, and abused me, only to prove to me in the end that I'm really worthless. I'm trying to accept that, though it still hurts, it is for the best. It is one of the necessary evils of living and learning. There are still twinges of heartache, (It still hurts to hear Zeppelin, Tool, Incubus, or any of the great guitarists, to know that I still have never seen the ocean, and I haven't eaten at Sheetz in years) but I suppose those never completely fade away. I'm accepting it as something that DID happen in my life (I can't act as though it didn't), but I can grow from it and move forward to continue living. And it's brought me back to things I let him take away from me. (I reunited with Switchfoot, Radiohead, The Beatles, and other happy music, opened my Bible, called my friends who he had said "can't be trusted" or 'were idiots" and remembered just how much they mean to me and how wrong he was about them.)

I've mentioned many times that after what I've been through in life and this relationship, I now know what to look for in a future relationship and (looking even further down the road) what to look for in a future husband. However, I need to STOP. It's not about finding a boyfriend... it's about finding a "BEST" friend.

My ex actually got angry with my because I wasn't ready to take the leap into being a couple only a short time after meeting him and still hardly knowing anything about him. As he angrily stormed away he said, "You don't want a boyfriend. You want a brother!" And, to tell you the truth... I think he was right. (Too bad he knew how to manipulate me with guilt)

In my opinion, there is something dreadfully wrong with becoming a couple simply because you want a make-out partner or arm-candy. If the only way I can actually be incorporated into a guy's life is by just being his friend, then for goodness sake, I'll just simply remain a friend. It's a shame to think that there are so many couples out there who are so distant from each other that their friends know more about them then the couple knows about each other. It might come from always being a loner and from moving around when I was younger so I couldn't really have someone who I've been friends with since kindergarten, but I know that I want my boyfriend to mean more to me than just being the guy I kiss.

I want someone to laugh with. Someone who is goofy and off the wall, like me. Someone who will play hide-and-seek in Walmart with me and then sit for hours just talking about life. Someone who will stick up for me and yet call me a dork when I'm being ridiculous (That goes for being too serious or too childish). Someone who thinks too much and gets down (like I do) and needs me around even if we don't say anything. Someone who can just hang out with me. Someone who acts 16 and 61 as the spirit guides them. Someone who aches with trying to figure out this life and turns right around and aches with the beauty of life. I want to share the same brilliant smile with a guy in a photograph, even if the photos come out of a booth in the mall.

I guess I just want someone real. Someone with flaws and problems and issues and yet still has a strong will to live. And be living for something. (Yes, I want a Christian guy.)

There are so many guys who think that being friends with a girl is a horrible thing. But, if you want to be my boyfriend, then be my best friend. I've learned enough to know that I'm not even going to consider a guy as a boyfriend if he is unwilling to be my friend.

MATH:
(Boy + Friend = Boyfriend)
Is it really that difficult to understand?

So, with that being said, I'll wait. I'll wait for the guy who wants me to be his best friend in return. I'm surprised at how positive I've been and how good I've been feeling lately. I'm so excited when I think about it in this light. When I think about how much fun I have with my friends, and how much we all care about each other, I'm so excited to find my best friend.
I can't wait to meet you. All you have to do… is say, "Hello".

MUSICIANS:
--American Idol annoys me. --
We are breeding a generation of vocalists who can do nothing but sing. Of course they can sing a million times better than I could ever hope to, and it's great that they are using their talent, but what happens if people stop writing music for them? And do they really feel that connected to the songs? In the most extreme case, what if (as with TV shows now) the song writers went on strike and there was a time of no music???

I have a great respect for singers who can play an instrument and an even greater respect for singers who write their own music/ lyrics. It makes their music truly unique. They aren't simply putting someone else's words to music, but they are playing "themselves" up on that stage. That's what I'm trying to do.

Granted, I consider myself to be a much better lyricist/ poet than musician, I still try. I mean, I've been playing piano since I was 5, percussion since I was 11, been trying to teach myself guitar on-and-off for 4 years, and have fumbled a little on the clarinet, but I still don't consider myself to be all that great. Still, there is something wonderful about creating a song from beginning to end and knowing that it is genuinely "you".

These people, I consider to be artists. I love listening to a band or solo artist playing and singing a song that is so raw that you get a momentary glimpse into who they are and what they are going through. And in that moment, you can relate to every word. To see someone wrap their hand around the neck of a guitar, to see their fingers dance over piano keys, to feel that same beat as they destroy the cymbal and snare, to watch them make-love to a cello.... It's just so incredible that I don't even know how to finish the sentence.

I also admire those songwriters who are able to write great lyrics. Sure, I enjoy the fun nonsense songs, but a song about the real aspects of life, the songs able to capture such honesty in poetry are the songs that move my soul. It's like wondering out-loud and then letting the thoughts roll over and over in our heads until it becomes music.

Beautiful!

Also, people who can sing in harmonies. I appriciate people who have and use the ability to do more than just sing the baseline melody. It can get very tricky at times, but it's so much more interesting than doing the norm. I personally love making up my own harmonies and just sitting around with others singing a'capella.

If you are one of these artists, I'm already in love with you, and I beg you to never stop creating.
Much love!



CLOSING THOUGHT: "You say goodbye. I say hello."