I am somewhat saddened to be informed that I won't be making my usual trip up my beloved highway this weekend. The show was cancelled :(
On a side-note... actually a sticky-note... No really! I have it written on a sticky note beside my lappie-top... a Longaburger sticky-note to be exact (Longaburger... boo hiss!!!) In lue of the show, I'm going to C-bus to visit Jack Hanna's humble abode. That's right kiddies! My BFF and I are going on our annual Christmas Lights excursion at the zoo. "And there was much rejoicing... yay" While the animals are living in their caves "Like you do" we will be romping through their stomping grounds admiring the synthetic lights. Woot! This time the Three Amigos will be short one amigo since Alan can't make it. (I also don't know if that was properly stated since I took French, but I think the more important thing is that I don't really care.)
Next week I'm excited because all my friends will be home for our Christmas get together. I haven't seen them in over a year! We will be having dinner in a hut of the pizza kind and then a spirited engagement in hanging out type activity shall follow. Catch Phrase and Seth giving "dirty" clues. All-in-all, a grand ol' time.
He said, "Your hair is so beautiful!" I said, "Thank you, that was very sweet. Do you know what you'd like to drink?" Then he said, "Why is someone so pretty working at a place like this?" His friends chuckle... He says, "I mean it. Would I lie to a redhead?" I said, "I don't know, would you? I'm sorry, but if your intentions are meaningless, then please don't flirt with me." Now, that might not have been very "Country Fresh" of me, but I'm so tired being the butt of the joke and I have too much self-respect to play such a fool.
What did he expect? A free meal because he flirted with me? Was I supposed to get weak in the knees? I'm not going to lie, it would be nice to be flirted with, but not at my own expense. (Besides, I had already seen him flirting with 3 other waitresses.) He was basking in the power of his own charm. I was a joke to them. Competition. They were trying to see if they could make me giggly just to prove to themselves that they had the power, not out of actual interest. I mean, being lonely sucks! But it's still better than being hurt. (These are the same ideas that went into writing my song "Unattainable". If interested, it's on my artist myspace page.)
Later in the day as I sat convincing myself that I'm not some game, I'm a human being, I arrived once again at my ever-present confusion and frustration with sex in our society.
--SEX--
When I think about it, I feel like I have the strength to be a 30-something single and be ok with it if that's what life has in store for me. But what I'm not sure about is how I would handle being a 30-something virgin. I mean, if getting to that age and still holding the V-card is strange enough to make a movie about it (a.k.a. 40-year-old virgin), will I be able to handle it?
Why do we as a culture/society, find sex at a young age to be so appalling when, in reality, it is so common and then, conversely, find the absence of sex at an older age to be so absurd? People look at kids in their teens who are sexually active and think that they are sluts, but if someone remains a virgin well into their 40s (or even just their 30s) they think that there must be something wrong with the person.
I have already been given looks of disbelief when people find that I am still a virgin. At what age do we cross over that invisible line between morality and absurdity? And how fair is it anyway? Is that really even the point? What I do know is that I have absolutely no desire to lose my virginity simply to join the majority.
Yes, society has a grand way of making me feel ashamed of still being in possession of my V-card, causing me to feel like there is something wrong with me. I'll own up and admit to that. I feel like saving it somehow lumps me in a category of weaker-thans and ineptitude. Does it?
Not all of this can be credited to being strong and withstanding the physical desires on my part. (I'm not that amazing) Some credit is due to having a muted sex drive because I have spent my life directing my focus away from myself and believing that I didn't deserve to feel good. (Why think about something that you can never have?) I think the largest percentage of credit can be placed on having never been given the opportunity. No one ever really pressured me for sex until my ex. And by that point in my life, I had already decided that I wasn't going to have sex unless I was completely sure about it and that I wouldn't regret it. Thankfully, I never had sex with my ex... I might have killed myself out of regret.
I also want to know that the guy I have sex with actually cares about me. I don't want to simply be a tool... nothing more than a feel-good. I just don't know if I am someone who can be cared about. I imagine that I am quite difficult to be loved. I have been very positive lately and am looking at finding someone in a whole new light, but I am so tired of being lead on to believe that there is a love somewhere out there for me, only to be forgotten and over looked for long periods of time. Then again... what should I expect?
Is it right of me to be waiting, longing, and hoping to find someone? Or should I simply be thanking God for the breath in my lungs and be satisfied with that? How much of this is justified and how much is selfish?
CLOSING THOUGHT: There's nothing better than an over sized sweater! :) Well.... I do like warm beverages. (but that doesn't rhyme)
On a side-note... actually a sticky-note... No really! I have it written on a sticky note beside my lappie-top... a Longaburger sticky-note to be exact (Longaburger... boo hiss!!!) In lue of the show, I'm going to C-bus to visit Jack Hanna's humble abode. That's right kiddies! My BFF and I are going on our annual Christmas Lights excursion at the zoo. "And there was much rejoicing... yay" While the animals are living in their caves "Like you do" we will be romping through their stomping grounds admiring the synthetic lights. Woot! This time the Three Amigos will be short one amigo since Alan can't make it. (I also don't know if that was properly stated since I took French, but I think the more important thing is that I don't really care.)
Next week I'm excited because all my friends will be home for our Christmas get together. I haven't seen them in over a year! We will be having dinner in a hut of the pizza kind and then a spirited engagement in hanging out type activity shall follow. Catch Phrase and Seth giving "dirty" clues. All-in-all, a grand ol' time.
Oh yeah! And we finally took our family Christmas photo for this year. Two seasons ago, I got the bright idea to liven up our family photo in front of the Christmas tree. You know, the cliche, nicey-nice ones that have bored us all to tears. So I came up with the idea of giving them themes.
*Christmas '05 was the typical Southeastern Ohio family photo. Complete with Carhards, Camo, and a tractor. I even got to hold a rifle. Sweet!
*Christmas '06 was the Bohemian family photo. I think it was more fun watching my parents try to understand what "bohemian" means
*And finally: Christmas '07, the Breakfast Club!
Oh I love it! I still can't figure out where the heck I get my red hair from though.
--FLIRTING--
While at work today, a guy tried to flirt with me. (Now, before I go any further, I want to assure you all that I am not a cold-hearted bitch) Considering that the only guys who flirt with me at work are old enough to be my grandfather, and the fact that it's ME, this isn't something I'm used to or should really be concerned about. But this guy was really good-looking and with a bunch of his buddies. He was one of those guys who you just know has a girlfriend (or doesn't have a girlfriend by choice). It was one of those situations where he is a 10 and I'm maybe a 4.5 and he was simply flirting to see if he could lead me on.He said, "Your hair is so beautiful!" I said, "Thank you, that was very sweet. Do you know what you'd like to drink?" Then he said, "Why is someone so pretty working at a place like this?" His friends chuckle... He says, "I mean it. Would I lie to a redhead?" I said, "I don't know, would you? I'm sorry, but if your intentions are meaningless, then please don't flirt with me." Now, that might not have been very "Country Fresh" of me, but I'm so tired being the butt of the joke and I have too much self-respect to play such a fool.
What did he expect? A free meal because he flirted with me? Was I supposed to get weak in the knees? I'm not going to lie, it would be nice to be flirted with, but not at my own expense. (Besides, I had already seen him flirting with 3 other waitresses.) He was basking in the power of his own charm. I was a joke to them. Competition. They were trying to see if they could make me giggly just to prove to themselves that they had the power, not out of actual interest. I mean, being lonely sucks! But it's still better than being hurt. (These are the same ideas that went into writing my song "Unattainable". If interested, it's on my artist myspace page.)
Later in the day as I sat convincing myself that I'm not some game, I'm a human being, I arrived once again at my ever-present confusion and frustration with sex in our society.
--SEX--
When I think about it, I feel like I have the strength to be a 30-something single and be ok with it if that's what life has in store for me. But what I'm not sure about is how I would handle being a 30-something virgin. I mean, if getting to that age and still holding the V-card is strange enough to make a movie about it (a.k.a. 40-year-old virgin), will I be able to handle it?
Why do we as a culture/society, find sex at a young age to be so appalling when, in reality, it is so common and then, conversely, find the absence of sex at an older age to be so absurd? People look at kids in their teens who are sexually active and think that they are sluts, but if someone remains a virgin well into their 40s (or even just their 30s) they think that there must be something wrong with the person.
I have already been given looks of disbelief when people find that I am still a virgin. At what age do we cross over that invisible line between morality and absurdity? And how fair is it anyway? Is that really even the point? What I do know is that I have absolutely no desire to lose my virginity simply to join the majority.
Yes, society has a grand way of making me feel ashamed of still being in possession of my V-card, causing me to feel like there is something wrong with me. I'll own up and admit to that. I feel like saving it somehow lumps me in a category of weaker-thans and ineptitude. Does it?
Not all of this can be credited to being strong and withstanding the physical desires on my part. (I'm not that amazing) Some credit is due to having a muted sex drive because I have spent my life directing my focus away from myself and believing that I didn't deserve to feel good. (Why think about something that you can never have?) I think the largest percentage of credit can be placed on having never been given the opportunity. No one ever really pressured me for sex until my ex. And by that point in my life, I had already decided that I wasn't going to have sex unless I was completely sure about it and that I wouldn't regret it. Thankfully, I never had sex with my ex... I might have killed myself out of regret.
I also want to know that the guy I have sex with actually cares about me. I don't want to simply be a tool... nothing more than a feel-good. I just don't know if I am someone who can be cared about. I imagine that I am quite difficult to be loved. I have been very positive lately and am looking at finding someone in a whole new light, but I am so tired of being lead on to believe that there is a love somewhere out there for me, only to be forgotten and over looked for long periods of time. Then again... what should I expect?
Is it right of me to be waiting, longing, and hoping to find someone? Or should I simply be thanking God for the breath in my lungs and be satisfied with that? How much of this is justified and how much is selfish?
CLOSING THOUGHT: There's nothing better than an over sized sweater! :) Well.... I do like warm beverages. (but that doesn't rhyme)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum: 12/15/07
Tonight at work I heard the song “What It’s Like” by Everlast. I mean, the song in general makes you think, but tonight it bothered me more so than usual.
“Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll I'm the man you've been dreamin' of”
You know how the rest of the verse goes. I just got so angry. What gives a guy the right to say that? What gives ANYONE the right to say that? To tell someone not to worry because you are there to protect them, to keep them safe, to be everything they ever needed, and know that you are lying. Knowing that you plan on walking away? I will never understand that. I cannot imagine doing that to a guy: walking away when he needed me the most.
Who do we trust in this life anymore? When will it ever be safe for me to put myself in a guy’s hands? I admit, relationships don’t always work out, and I’m fine with that. But deliberately hurting someone, deliberately lying to someone, and doing it knowingly… knowing you never really loved them to begin with, I cannot fathom…. and I’m still trying to get over the fact that it happened to me.
Ok, I can’t end on that note. Now for something positive: Despite everything, I love this life that God has granted me and I thank him everyday that I have breath in my lungs.
Tonight at work I heard the song “What It’s Like” by Everlast. I mean, the song in general makes you think, but tonight it bothered me more so than usual.
“Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said don't worry about a thing baby doll I'm the man you've been dreamin' of”
You know how the rest of the verse goes. I just got so angry. What gives a guy the right to say that? What gives ANYONE the right to say that? To tell someone not to worry because you are there to protect them, to keep them safe, to be everything they ever needed, and know that you are lying. Knowing that you plan on walking away? I will never understand that. I cannot imagine doing that to a guy: walking away when he needed me the most.
Who do we trust in this life anymore? When will it ever be safe for me to put myself in a guy’s hands? I admit, relationships don’t always work out, and I’m fine with that. But deliberately hurting someone, deliberately lying to someone, and doing it knowingly… knowing you never really loved them to begin with, I cannot fathom…. and I’m still trying to get over the fact that it happened to me.
Ok, I can’t end on that note. Now for something positive: Despite everything, I love this life that God has granted me and I thank him everyday that I have breath in my lungs.
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