Gravity is a Fleeting Fad

(NOTE TO SELF: This entry is random. VERY random! But I needed it out of my head.)

--Carpal Tunnel of the Eyes!--
I’m so tired of designing this menu! This will be the third draft. It makes me glad that I didn’t go to college for graphic design like Dad wanted me to. Sometimes it really sucks to know about computers because everyone wants me to do things for them instead of learning how to do it themselves… and I don’t even know that much! It's really stressing me out, but they are my friends and I offered. The only reasons I spend considerable amounts of time on the computer is to check emails from directors, to write, graphic work/ art, or to keep in touch with my theater buds who are all over the US, Canada, and Europe.

--Yeah... I'm a sell out--
I thought I could get by with just facebook, but I found that theaters were posting information on their myspaces and I was being left in the dark. Also it’s really great for networking me with my present and past cast members. (And in acting, networking is VERY important.) So I sold out and got myself a myspace. Actually, I quite enjoy the ease of it. It’s like my scrapbook. And goodness knows I’ve tried twice to make a real scrapbook and failed miserably both times.

--MUSIC!!!--
I’m quite excited to say that I’ve moved up. I have had to get an external hard drive for all my music. It took up all the room on my ancient lappy. This is exciting for a girl who had limited music. (Mainly just Christian and some classic rock) In high school, music began to show up online and I drifted into punk, while everyone else was into Country, R&B, or Rap. I never really caught on to those. But my lucky break came when I moved out of the state for my first few years of college and was graced with friends that introduced me to all kinds of music. I discovered Radiohead, The Shins, Jonah’s Onelinedrawing, Nickel Creek, Ben Folds, Mogwai, Sufjan Stevens, Ani DiFranco, Incubus, etc…

Myspace has also helped me broaden my musical boundaries. It took me a while to really sell out to the myspace monopoly, but I realized I could look up bands that I like and be introduced to the artists that they had as friends. I found Gomez, Michael Watson, Jodi Shaw, The Weepies, Sleeping At Last, Regina Spektor, Ruth, Feist, Sara Bareilles, Polly Paulusuma, Norah Jones, Death Cab for Cutie, The Send, Hem, etc... And iTunes helped me reach even further. I still will get an actual CD from those artists that I really respect. (And both if it’s Switchfoot/ Jon Foreman EP)

--Take this job and shove it!--
I don’t think I’m above taking a job to “get by” between gigs… I don’t! But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. Thankfully no one from work knows about this blog, so I have the freedom to get out what I feel. They make me wear my cross under my shirt. That irritates me. Not that I think I’m such a great example of a Christian, but I try and my faith is important to me. Waitressing gives me the rare opportunity see people at their rudest. I couldn’t imagine treating anyone the way people have treated me. It’s hard to keep a smile on my face and it’s killing my hope for humanity. But, sometimes you have to get through what you don’t enjoy to be able to do what you do enjoy.

Also, people don’t tip worth squat over the holidays. If I’m going to work a crappy job, I at least want to be paid well to even things out. I’m ok with doing something I love and getting paid nothing, and I can deal with suffering through something to save up some money, but this double-negative crap has got to stop! It’s not even worth it anymore. Especially not at this restaurant. However, if I were to sit around being idol, I would go NUTS!!!

I think the biggest drawback is how it makes me feel. After an 11hr shift, my knees are stiff, my heels throb, my back aches, and I just don’t have the energy to move. I miss running. I miss tying my shoes and taking off for a jog. I miss acting as a full time job. (“acting” and “job” should not be in the same sentence) But most of all, I miss my friends.

--My, so called, life.--
There is nothing for me in this town anymore. All my friends have moved away to start their 9-5s (which I never want to work) and a select few of them are still away finishing up college. I have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with. All I do is go to work and come home. It’s hard to get involved with anything else because I stat working around 2pm and I’m not home until around 11pm. (Unless they schedule me for a double) I cannot wait until I don’t have to do this anymore.

I’m doing NOTHING with my life and it’s difficult to be stuck in this state of waiting. I want people to laugh with, to watch sports with, to talk to, to make me smile… I want to leave here and do something with myself. Make my life worthwhile. I don’t really have anyone who even wants to get to know me, so it makes it tough to trudge through everyday and bring myself to hoping that there is something out there for me.

It’s not like I’m doing the acting thing because I can’t do anything else. I mean, I passed my gen eds with flying colors (a.k.a. Colors that don't actually fly, and look more like "A" than an actual color) (all except Anthropology, which is just some mutant form of sociology and shouldn’t exist as a separate science. I still don’t get what the difference is. And Psychology of Intimate Relationships… but that’s because it came right after the breakup and I was pretty messed up over it. But I still passed both of them at least.) I could always do something with computers or slide shows and I really like algebra, physical science, and biology. With my degree, I could do pretty much anything in public relations/ public speaking, but it's not what I want to do or have the drive to do.

I don’t need to be on Broadway or in Hollywood, I just want to do what I love. If it makes me famous… cool. If not… cool. I want to have the freedom and flexibility to be an artist and also do volunteer work. (most likely it will be impossible to do both at the same time) But this waiting is killing me. This waiting for the opportunity that never surfaces, the searching for the opportunity that isn’t there. I refuse to believe that there is no way for me to make a substantial difference. But simply sending money isn’t good enough.



CLOSING THOUGHT: Preparation and motivation don’t necessarily lead to actuation….. I’m not really sure what does.