It's finally starting to warm up here in Boston and when it does, it is beautiful. I walked across the street and down onto Constitution Beach and just stood there for a good long time watching the airplanes taking off and landing. It was a very strange state for me to be in. I am very much reminded of a Jon Foreman quote, "Every beautiful moment in my life has also been imperfect, and everything that has been painful has brought me to a better understanding of what beauty and truth truly are."
April is a hard month for me. Too many bad memories that just won't leave me alone. I want to be happy, but I'm unable to find that happiness. I walked around the city that sunny beautiful day and felt free, and the next day it was gray and rainy all day long and I loved it. I went out walking anyway, and it felt so good to let the rain soak me to the bone and drip off my face and from my finger tips. However, it's all this joyful sadness.
What I mean is, I feel love. I know I feel it. It's sometimes so strong that it breaks my heart. I've got all this compassion and nowhere to put it. People criticize me for caring too much. I just don't understand how they can keep the things of this world from affecting them and go on living apatheticly, only focusing on looking out for themselves. I should probably look out for myself a little bit more, but it's not really my main concern.
I joined an online Christian dating thing. :-/ I don't know how I feel about it. I get hopeful, then I get frustrated when I have to go through tons of pictures. I don't think finding someone should be like playing Go-Fish. I just end up giving up. I don't know if it's possible to find someone online anyway. I don't know if God even wants me to be searching. OR if God even wants me to be with someone.
April marks 3 years. 3 years!!! If the relationship ended 3 years ago, why can't it just be over?
*sigh* I suppose if I just wanted to give in and give up my virginity just so I could have a boyfriend, it would be pretty simple. I often wonder if I'm making things too complicated for myself. I don't know if there are guys out there who respect women anymore. Or women who respect relationships. (both genders can be pretty crappy to their significant others) I'm hoping this Christian dating thing turns up a good guy, but it all still feels so fake.
All I know is that April has already given me a beating. I've sat up late at night crying my eyes out and realizing that I'm a poster child for TWLOHA. Not good..... and I thought I had that problem kicked. I don't suppose it really matters. I'm still here, right? And....
Here comes the sun
CLOSING THOUGHT:
No amount of coffee
No amount of cryin'
No amount of whiskey
No amount of wine
No no no no no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you
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