Back to Ohio

So here I am, 2 years later, and I’m headed back to Ohio.

Boston never ended up turning into anything more than just another collection of buildings. I have loved this city and I have hated this city, but nothing has really stuck. I’m leaving with a sense of disappointment. I feel I am no better off than when I arrived. No stronger, no weaker, no real lessons learned. It’s almost as if my life has been stunted during my time here.

There were so many hopeful opportunities that never panned out. Whether I pursued them or not. The people here are cold and while I managed to find some real gems, no one seemed to have any kind of passion. It’s just a different kind of comfortable. And sadly, these people can’t deal with any slight derailment of their set-to-the-minute lives. I have never lived in a place where people assumed they deserved so much yet give so little in return. If you’re looking for a place that looks out for number 1, Boston is the place. I have no interest in New York or LA if they are anything like here. It’s all overrated. I’m sorry, I just don’t care that much.

Which is funny because people here tell me I care too much. My passion lies in humanity. I don’t like the habits I am acquiring from living here. I don’t like having no tolerance to put up with people. I will not stop caring and it pains me to see the people here with stone cold hearts and flint stares. They complain when things are bad, they complain when things are good, the complain to hear themselves complain.

Boston can be beautiful when it’s not miserable. I love the nights of no fear in this city when I strike out of my own and find my own path or take some quiet time on Bunker Hill or the Commons. I love the drizzling rain when the city is quiet and it’s people hunker down indoors and frown out the windows while I plow through the droplets and puddles. I love Sundays when the city sleeps and you can walk right up the center of the streets.

The people here are not the kind who will nod a hello to you as you pass. They are the type who glare at you if you make eye contact. That is, if they don’t ignore you completely. There is nothing new here. It seems as though this city was built long ago and that’s good enough. No change. No progress.

My fault is spending so much time working and my rule of not getting involved with people I work with. I’ve always tried to keep work and my personal life separate. Especially in theater. Because of my work load and constantly pushing myself to take on more than I can handle, I failed to make any real friends outside my co-workers. I didn’t grow up here, I didn’t go to school here, and I certainly don’t want to meet people at bars. (Nor do I have the money to be out all the time.)

So I leave here with no baggage. No love that I have to leave behind. No bittersweet farewells to friends. I’m leaving as abruptly as I came in and it makes no difference. The city doesn’t skip a beat. I just keep moving until I have a reason to stay somewhere. Until I find someplace that feels like home. I’m not a Bostonian and I don’t want to be a Bostonian. I feel like I’ve been handed off and struck down too many times here.

This time next week I’ll be headed home to Ohio. Back to route 77. It took me away, and once again it leads me back. Am I wiser? Have I grown? I know that I’ve learned to adapt and, at the same time, I’ve learned to stay true to myself. I’ve learned to depend on myself to get through because no one else will be there when you need them to be. I’ve realized how insignificant I really am. It hurts, but I suppose it also makes me stronger.

I’m actually excited to be back in Ohio. To be near the people I care about. To be able to see my best friends. To be able to PARK WITHOUT THREAT OF A TICKET! To step outside and have room to breathe and think. Though, I can’t say how long the excitement will last. Ohio is always better when I’m not living at home. For as much as I love my parents, we both know that living together just doesn’t work anymore. We’ll see if I can make it through 4 months.

Even though my experience here in Boston has been an overall downer, it hasn’t deterred my love of city life. But then… being away from Ohio has given me an appreciation for the Midwest that Pittsburgh never gave me. It’s nice to know that I can get along no matter where I am. I’ve become adapt to high-end, upper class, and pull off a sophisticate and at the same time can rough and tumble with the best of them. And always I am able to simply be.

No matter what class level I have kept from becoming someone I’m not. I seem to be a great many things all wrapped up into one. Although, I will admit, Vertigo was NOT my thing. Went once and never went back. That was something that wasn’t going to fit. Sometimes I know those things right away. Other times, even though I know it, I stay in the situation longer than I should because I hope for a chance of compromise that never comes. Those are sad Boston days. I won’t miss them.

In closing... I’m headed back and I’m looking forward to having someone to talk to. SAN DIEGO 2010 or bust!!!!!! Can’t wait!

CLOSING THOUGHT:
Why oh why oh why oh?
Why did I ever leave Ohio?
Why did I fly? Why did I roam
So very far from my precious home?

The 10,000 piece puzzle

We all seem to be pieces. Pieces of a greater puzzle. Sometimes it seems like other people have found there place so easily. They never really had to attempt much because they were already being placed. I can’t seem to fathom that. I don’t know what it’s like to feel like I’m getting it right, like everything has fit into place and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. There have been a select few people in my life who I have felt completely myself around. It seems like I’m always second-guessing myself around everyone. Sometimes I don’t like being able to read people and have a sense for who they are or their feelings towards something. I always get that icky, uneasy feeling when people don’t really care too much for my presence. When I say something and get that instant closed-off feeling like everyone wishes I would just stay out of the conversation. Then I have the arduous task of figuring out how to excuse myself from the group without seeming antisocial.

It’s another way they can get you. They don’t want you there, but criticize you for leaving. Like you think you are better then them, or don’t want to be around them, or just don’t fit in. It’s just lose-lose. I don’t like having to think strategy when I’m in social situations, always needing to be on the defense. I just want to be able to breathe.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder what it will be like to find that one guy for me. When I can finally relax. A weight off my shoulders. A best friend. Someone who will talk to me and enjoy listening to me, or just being together without saying anything at all. A guy who has ambition and wants to experience life and the world and yet is ok with just hanging out and doing nothing. Someone who can come home when both of us are tired from a long day and just lay down beside each other on the couch and take a nap. Not having the stress of feeling the need to upkeep the relationship. Just letting it be what it is and taking things as they come. Supporting and taking care of each other.

It’s not hard. It’s not something that anyone couldn’t do for anyone else. Actually, it’s something we all should be doing for each other. Every person.

Solidarity doesn’t suit me. It’s not something I handle well. With all these social networking things, we all get rare glimpses into people’s personal lives. Messages written from one lover to another. Wedding invitations, baby shower events. I don’t get the invitations myself, but I get to see all those who do. I send messages to my friends about how much I miss them just to hear some kind of response from them and know I’m not alone. I’m not the girl who has her inbox, wall, blog, full of comments from friends and lovers. I can only read other people’s, “I miss you, baby”s so many times before I notice how my heart has fallen out and lies pathetically sputtering on the floor. I don’t bother picking it up anymore. I just leave it. It’s a little easier to step over it everyday and try to forget about it rather than feeling it fall over and over.

Is there a magic phrase, look, stance, that wins you admiration of others? How about respect? Is there some state of being that I’m unaware of or incapable of? It’s difficult when I have no friends here. When the only people I know are my co-workers. I try to foist myself on my roommates and talk their ears off because I have no one to talk to and then just end up as the odd man out when their friends are around.

I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be. Especially when I don’t really have a desire to meet people at bars and all my free time is being eaten up by work or studies. Can I really expect people to magically appear in my life? First things first. I do need to get my certification out of the way.

It’s just hard watching podcasts of great friends, reading blogs about happy lives, seeing status updates about happy events, and being so void of companionship. If I had the money, I’d get a dog or a cat, but I can barely afford to feed myself.

Someday.

I have to keep believing that someday there will be someone for me. I want to be happy. I need to find it.

CLOSING THOUGHT:

My name is James, so it’s always been
Sometimes I forget when I’m lonely or afraid
Then I close my eyes, look deep inside, and search my mind for
James

Depression

What is wrong with me? Why am I depressed? I hate this. I can’t stand being alone. I just throw myself into work or studies or anything just so I don’t have to think about how sad and lonely I am. I push everyone away because I don’t want to be the gloom chick. It’s not fair for anyone else to have to deal with. I didn’t ask to be crazy, and no one else asked to be my hero. I’m not going to force that on someone. But I need help. I need someone to care. No…

That’s bull. I have people who want to care. I always attract guys that I’m not attracted to. I attract guys who need someone me to be the dominant force. I attract those to need to be helped and it just works against me trying to get better. I try to be a good friend to them to give them the strength to help themselves and they end up falling for me. It’s not me that they love. It’s the fact that any girl cares.

I’m not that way. I need someone to love, and someone who genuinely loves me. If I just needed someone to care, then I’d be happy with what I’ve got, but I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship. I can barely take care of myself. I can’t spend my life taking care of someone who doesn’t really care enough about me to help me get over my depression. I’m already doing that. And it’s destroying me. It's not fair to them and not fair to me.

I can only ignore myself for so long. It’s all I’ve been doing. I think I pushed the only guy who ever honestly loved me away because I didn’t know anything except how to care of others. Now when I need someone to take care of me, there is no one. The guys who have fallen for me could say a million times that they’d take care of me, but they couldn’t. They don’t know how. I would eat them alive. I need a guy who doesn’t need my help. Who loves me just to love me. I need someone happy so that I can focus on being happy myself.

This is all bullshit. I’m so mad at myself for being weak and not being able to make it on my own. I’m just a whiner who is upset that I can’t have what I want.

I’m just so tired of having to fake it. I want to be happy. I don’t want to hurt all the time. I don’t want to be sad for absolutely no reason. There is NO REASON!!! Why am I depressed? It’s not fair for me to burden someone else with this. I just need to get happy somehow. Everything is fine. Things in my life are good. I’ve got to get fixed somehow.

Help…..

I need some help.

I don’t know if I made any sense. I’m not rereading this. I’m done.

Entertaining Angels Unaware

I don’t believe in angels the way most people believe them to be. I believe they exist. I believe they are among us. I believe they despise us for bringing them out of heaven to clean up our mistakes. I believe they are frustrated that we cannot understand. I believe they hate our freewill. I believe they scold us, but we never hear it. I believe they regard us with pity and disgust. I believe they have no patience for our emotions and stare into our faces vexed. I believe they come in the forms that are not winged and glorious. They come as the advice we know is true, but don’t want to hear. They come as a rebuke that turns us away from what we want to what we really need. I believe they are warriors fighting battles for unappreciative people. I believe they are messengers whose significance is ignored. I believe they are terrifying and brilliant. I believe that being in their presence is to be torn between grief and rage. They are beside us, behind us, above us and below us, but never before us. They watch our steps but never lead. They warn but never prevent. I believe they are furious, glorious creatures, and I love them.

------------------

Did it ever occur to anyone that Jesus was probably a very frustrated man? How many times in the Bible to we read of Jesus asking the disciples, “Do you not yet understand?” For one man to be plagued with so many demons, tempting him, needing to be cast out, constantly trailing after him. Jesus demanded that the blind see, that the scales fall from their eyes. He demanded that the lame get up and walk. He told Lazarus to wake up from death. And yet with all his teaching and giving of himself, people still didn’t understand and condemned him. People were hung up on old rules and laws and no one would listen to Jesus saying, “Screw it! It’s not about that. It’s about God.” I think the simplicity of it was what was hard for the people to take. Jesus simply did. That’s all. While everyone else was busy trying to figure out how, He just did. I don’t believe he was as calm and gentle as modern Christianity leads us to believe. He spit in the eyes of the blind. He told off the priests. He turned over the money tables. I believe that he was difficult and stubborn. Which is exactly what he needed to be. He did not have the sole purpose of taking our sins away. He was also here to motivate us to movement. He was here to shake us up and wake us up. If we want to be good, righteous people, then we can’t just study how, we need to actually do it. You can’t be a half-ass believer. Which, sadly, most of us are. (Including myself). I don’t think he was so amazing because of the miracles he performed or even because he was the Son of God. He was amazing because he was doing what too few people have the balls to do. Live the criticized life and push people to do the same. He had a right to be angry and frustrated in men.

In the same sense, I have gotten the idea for a story… possibly a book. About God making the decision of giving an angel free will and keeping her from knowing that she was an angel in an attempt to reach man on a level. Perhaps they would relate to one of their own a little easier and what would happen should an angel know what it’s like to live like men? I can see this angel character smashing a wooden cross trying to get people to realize that there is nothing in it. The symbol for restroom is not the actual restroom. A cross is nothing if you don’t put meaning to it and even then it can only be used as a reminder to cast your focus on God. If you become loyal to the symbols, it’s as bad as worshiping an idol. It’s not about Jesus the man, or Jesus the risen Son of God. It’s about what he was. What he is. What he stood for. The essence of everything.

The essence of everything. I think that’s where I am. I get so hung up on the deeper inner meaning of things. I love letting things effect me. People tell me not to care so much. Why? Why would I ever want to do that? Why would I ever want to stop delving my mind into the inner pieces of even the smallest thing. It may sound horribly melodramatic, but I believe there is meaning in it. There is a singular truth imbedded in everything. Everything is to be savored and respected and marveled. My mind rolls and unfolds and goes blank with awe. I could look out windows for hours, never really thinking of anything. Just mesmerized at how the pieces fit together. So, I can’t just stop thinking or caring. Once you open yourself up to be effected by such things, there is no way to turn it off. Everyone should be a conduit. A free flowing river for the spirit to work through. Sometimes I feel it all around me, but only rarely does it flow through me. I don’t quite know the rules of prayer or how to put things into action. But I can listen. Understanding almost always comes later, but I know I know how to listen.

Taxidermy: She Seems So Real

The things I do for people who leave me lonely. *sigh * They cause me to make tough decisions about my life, and I wonder, “For what?”. I’m learning, growing, changing, but am I moving? Am I making progress? Am I being practical, but turning over on myself every time to wind up right back where I was. Wiser, but that much further from my heart? Where is the point at which our reason ebbs from our emotional desires? And how do we know which to follow? I’m convinced that each decision we make has a fork in the road and we choose right towards desire or left towards practicality. I think I’ve made so many left turns that I just keep going in circles. And while my decisions might be correct, they’re never quite “right”.

I just don’t want people to tell me I’m stupid or a fool. When I do make an emotional decision and follow my heart, I seem to get so much flack from living my own life and making a humanistic decision rather than commutative. Maybe I do it to myself. I act like a computer for so long,… rational, objective, positive, easy-going, down-to-earth, that people don’t know how to handle it if I act on impulse.

But I’m not. Not really. People know me to be a goof. Spontaneous. I suppose this only applies to negative emotional responses. (Or at least, responses that others judge to be negative.) Why do others get to decide the standpoint of our decisions anyway? It’s not just me. Everyone does it to everyone else. Why can’t we respect others for their own decision? Why can’t we just say, “Well, Brittany made a lot of bad decisions, but they are her decisions and now she has to deal with them.” And leave it at that? Why must we laugh, and sneer, and comment? I’m not saint, and neither are you.

What we need is support. But we are selective with who we give it to, (if we give it at all) and sometimes we are even worse at accepting it. Which brings me full circle. I can give, but still find myself lonely. I can’t be upset with them. It’s a catch and release. And I would never force someone to stay with me even if I wanted them to. I want it to be their decision, not mine. If they love you, they’ll come back. So far… no one has come back. Should I be surprised? Maybe it’s that I can’t accept it. Hmmmmm….

Or can’t see it?



CLOSING THOUGHT:At the next light take a left. Make a left when you reach the end of the street, and at the next corner veer left. Drive a little and you’ll find yourself……….. here.

I Can't Make This Happen

It's taking hold, breaking in
The pressure’s on me to circulate
Mesmerized, take it in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to keep you out
And be myself, and not impersonate
I'm letting go, so cling to me
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go that way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe again
The fear I'm becoming...
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe again

Took awhile for you to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it hurts

It's Always Hard To Be All By Myself This Time of Year

You called me up sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
If you think that you sould be forgiven...I wish I could
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And I still have never seen the ocean...I guess I should.

Sugar Cookies

So, this is what I’ve been reduced to. Alone in the apartment on a Sunday, baking cookies, and drinking wine. The cookies aren’t even for me. It’s my one feeling of accomplishment to hand out at work so that I feel like I can do something right. That’s pretty pathetic, Angela.

You know… it takes a lot to be single for 3 years and tough it out with patience. I think the last time I was hugged was by Molly when we were switching over shifts and she confessed some personal stuff to me. It’s so strange to know it’s been so long. I want to be as strong as I lead everyone to believe I am.

I don’t know what I need to be. I don’t know what he expected of me or why he can never seem to follow through, but it always leaves me questioning: Did I do enough? Was I enough?

I get so jealous of people who have someone. People who are together. Songs that will never be sung for me. Could I ever inspire that in someone? Inspire someone to live their life?

I don’t have nearly as much patience or calm as I wish I did… and probably less than half that much in wisdom. I try very hard to be patient and calm. I’m not good at it, but I try. It gets very very hard and frustrating. Sometimes I just want to kick the wall as hard as I can until it cracks and gives way because I feel like there is nothing that I can do to make this go quicker. I’m like a child throwing a fit. I’m tired of sitting in the waiting room waiting for my life to start.

Every morning I look at my face, full of potholes, in the mirror and wish that my reflection showed something else. Something with a little more meaning behind it. Everyday I get up and do the same routine. It’s a cleaver disguise for directionless living. I offer bullshit advice to anyone who will listen, hoping that I might be making some kind of difference to someone.

Oh, who am I kidding?… I’m tired. I just want to drink my wine and go to sleep so no one can bother me or give me crap.

I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I’ll be stronger….




promise.


.

Go ahead, lie to me. Tell me that you love me.

This morning at work a girl walked into the gym and one of my male co-workers took note:

FRANK: I just found love.
ME: What, that girl that just came in?
FRANK: Yeah, I think I’m gonna go talk to her.
ME: Don’t you have a girlfriend?
FRANK: Yeah, but you never know when you’re going to want to upgrade to a better model.

I tried not to let it get under my skin. But it bothered me all day and I couldn't get any work done. I just wanted to crawl under the desk and die. He wasn't trying to be mean to me. He wasn't even talking about me, and I don't even have any interest this guy, but I was hurting for his girlfriend. She probably really cares about Frank and he couldn't care less. And what does this say about all guys? Cause I know Frank isn't the only guy who thinks this way.

Is that it? Is that really all the more meaningful a relationship is? You’re only with someone until you find the next best thing? That’s not love. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t love. I hate myself because I can’t mean anything more than a temporary fix. A throw away relationship. How many times have I believed that someone might actually care, only to be forced to realize the truth that should have been so obvious. It’s all lies. Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies!!!!

It's not fair. I have always been loyal. I feel like my brain is rotting inside my skull from all these tries. It’s like something sharp is spinning around in my stomach, tearing up my insides. I really am that worthless. Unconditional love is an addiction that I can’t get rid of. I give so much to others and yet I remain so unsubstantial to them. How does someone acquire worth? It is impossible to find someone who is guaranteed to be there. Someone you can trust. As I am looking into the eyes of someone I am giving my heart to, thinking, “I love you”, they are looking at me thinking, “You’ll do for now.”

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep trying. I don't want to keep being positive for everyone when I'm falling apart inside. I take on everyone’s problems only to watch everyone walk away from me. But I can’t quit. Not when people need me. I will just have to keep giving until the spinning inside cuts me open or someone offers to love me without lies.

Please, I beg you, I can be loved. I can. It just takes someone who is willing to be true. I will not give up my family. While they cannot love me the way a significant other can, and every family has it’s problems, they still love me and I love them. I will not let that go.

CLOSING THOUGHT: "Worth-full"... I like that. Thanks John.

Desperate

I’m so weary of rotting from inert living. I’m tired of living sideways. It seems I just keep moving from one complication to another rather that taking a step forward. No healing… no getting better… just side stepping into the same pain in different clothes.

It’s always harder before it gets easier, right? As much as I want this to work, I just don’t see how it will. I always wanted a Christian and someone who got along with my family. Someday I wanted to get married. But with him, I’ll never get those. Sometimes I really have to ask myself if it isn’t better to just walk away from this and allow someone else in. How presumptuous of me to think my life could be that easy? If it isn’t complicated by this guy, then I get the feeling it will just be same if I’m with a different one. I don’t think I’m meant to live an easy life.

What kind of help am I? Why am I called to do this when I can’t seem to get it right? I manage to get to a certain point with people that no one else is able to reach, but that comes from a give and take. I know how to give enough to keep myself safe, but if I really want to help, then I know I have to put myself out in a place where I could be hurt. Without a doubt, I am unable to sustain it and everything comes crashing down. I lose friendships, I lose love, I lose my sanity.

The closer I get to a person, the worse the falling-out is. It still takes me off guard. It reaches this point where everyone expects me to be exactly what they need. Then when I am fair instead of biased in their favor, they get so offended. I guess they feel that they deserve some repayment for opening up to me. Why can’t we all open up to each other without trying to get something out of it? Why can’t we all just be honest? My world crashes down on me over and over because I won’t hurt someone to help someone else.

I’m in no way saying that I want these people out of my life. I would never give up on them. I just see no progress. I’m not able to help them. What would be the point of surrounding myself with people who have no problems? I could, but then I’d really be living a pointless existence. I am drawn to those people who need help. Those who need someone who won’t give up on them. I just get frustrated when I’m not accomplishing anything. I get so scared of getting too close and ruining everything. It’s like holding a butterfly. If you hold it too tightly, you kill it.

I don’t understand what I am supposed to be doing.

And now..... this

I started this blog and didn’t tell anyone about it so that I could write my thoughts freely without having to worry about who would be reading it. (Not that many people read my other blog) But I guess, deep down, I was hoping that people, whom I’ve never met, would find it and leave some comments. You know, a bit of their own perspective. I greatly appreciate the opinions of others. If I didn’t want anyone to read it, then it would remain in my hand-written journal for no one to see.

I’d like to think of myself as a somewhat decent writer. I’m no Shakespeare, but things that I think might help others or things that confuse me I like to post so that someone might steer me in a new direction of thought or at least relate to what I have written. * sigh * Guess sometimes we are meant to go it alone.

Anyway… I’ve got a bit of time to follow up on the points I listed in my last entry:

As I watched someone act a completely different way towards someone when that person was no longer in the room, I started to wonder if I am just as bad.

I have never considered myself to be two-faced, and I believe that if you live your life in an honest way, you have nothing to be afraid of. It is too exhausting to be something your not. I think that’s where the big difference is.

I don’t lead on to the fact that I might be hurting and I don’t like letting people know that I’m down. I smile and look at the bright side of things until I’m home in my room alone and let my guard down, reveling how the world gets to me. I also don’t like letting people know that I am aware of more things then they realize. Seeming aloof about things is easier than having to discuss the thoughts in my head. Especially when I put more effort into my thoughts than most people are willing to put into listening to me explain them. It’s easier to be happy, frank, and keep to myself.

But, is that being hypocritical? Am I being two-faced by not showing people that I think so much about things that it gets me down? Am I wrong for keeping people from seeing that I am insecure and struggling? Should I be showing people that I’m not really as pulled together as it would seem?

I think there is a difference. I am not showing them as side that isn’t really there. I am happy. I am frank. I am positive. It’s just that I’m not those things all the time. I like being a help and being cooperative. I am aloof when I don’t think that things are worth arguing about. I usually let things roll off my back. But people who are two-faced put up a farce. They show a side that has no truth to it at all. They act nice to you when they actually can’t stand you.

Am I making any sense? You wouldn’t show clients at a business dinner that you can belch the alphabet, but that doesn’t mean that your politeness is fake. It just means that your personality encompasses many different traits. Some appropriate, some inappropriate at given times.

I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t act a certain way if I didn’t really feel that way. I’m not going to act like I’m enjoying something if I’m not. I’m not going to give you a different answer than what I truly feel. I’m not going to disrespect you, but I’m not going to lie through my teeth. Different aspects of ourselves relate at different times.

So, I don’t consider myself to be a hypocrite, but I guess it boils down to your definition of the word.

CLOSING THOUGHT:

"Oh! Gravity. is a conversation with the well-known law of physics. The question is this:

If in the physical world, things naturally move closer together, why are we falling apart? War and rumors of war, divorce, hatred, violence, and everything else we see in the news seem to contradict the law of gravity." -- Jon Foreman

Hiding or Hypocritical?

If I had gotten more sleep last night, I'd be able to actually write this entry, but I need to take note of it so that I can write more later.

** Often times it can be very difficult to open up to people. It is rare that we tell everyone everything. So, is it hypocritical to keep some of yourself under the skin and only show one side? I know that I can tend to be depressed and have low self-esteem, but most people see me as a very positive, confident person. Am I being a hypocrite by not showing them the low side of myself?

** I think there is a difference between not showing a part of yourself and pretending to be something your not.

I will expand on that later when I have had enough sleep to make more sense.

CLOSING THOUGHT: I've been laying down some tracks for a new song. Sweeeeet!

The Lonely Compassionate

It seems like whenever I am doing well and things are falling into place, things suddenly fall apart all at once. Just when I start to feel like I am actually doing something right and becoming a beautiful compliment to the world around me and an aid to the people in it, I end up crossing some invisible line and knocking over my house of cards. There seems to be no maintaining. It’s all about a building up and breaking down, over and over. It’s so exhausting to reach a part of a person that is rarely seen by others, just to have them shut me out and I have to start back at zero with nothing solid on which to rest my head.

I don’t think I really understood the ramifications of being a loner. It’s not like I had much say in becoming one. Gradually it became apparent that being a part of a group wasn’t as appealing as it seemed and I enjoy the ability to flow freely between different kinds of people. However, it leaves me with no real place to belong. It makes it hard when I haven’t made a deep enough connection with anyone to have someone around when I need them. I put in so much effort to be there when people need me, but (being on the outskirts of most friendships) I make it difficult for people to notice when I need someone and even more difficult to actually be there for me. I’m also not the kind of person to ask for help. Often what helps me is helping others. I need to feel like I am accomplishing something and that I am helping, to feel like my life has value. I will drive myself into the ground to be the support others need. When I feel like giving up I always look at the people I care about who are hurting or struggling and I push myself that much harder to get through it for them.

Loneliness is probably the most painful thing in the life. Even more than physical pain. The body has a way of healing from physical pain, but loneliness isn’t something that we can cure on our own. It relies solely on the acceptance of another and the incorporation of you into their life. We can do many things to persuade someone to cure our loneliness, but in the end, it relies on the other’s decision. “It isn’t good that man should be alone.” I think that is also why we search for love. Love itself is a cure. That’s why unrequited love hurts so much. To be shut out by everyone is to never find a cure for the pain. Essentially we control the happiness and healing of everyone else. We only cause each other to suffer the disease of pain when we deny the role we were given to be the cure for loneliness.

I don’t get it when the people who hate the world for its lack of compassion criticize me so much for offering it so freely. They are mad that people are so cruel, but tell me that I am naive for being kind and accepting. They tell me I need to keep from caring so much. What do they want? They want the world to change, but won’t allow anyone to try. Stop bitching about the world if you aren’t willing to help change it. That’s what I am trying to do. I’m not naive. I am simply taking an active role in refusing to add to the bad in the world. But people call me stupid for it. So it would seem that, not only are people incapable of compassion, but they are incapable of accepting it when it is given or appreciating those who give it.

Why can’t it be ok for people to be who they are? We all want to be accepted for who we are, but it becomes easier for us to put people in a box and label them generally and hope that we are right in making the easy assessment. Then we get frustrated when they act in a manner that is outside the box we put them in. I’ve watched it happen so many time and then they sit around scratching their heads saying, “I just don’t understand that one.” Which only makes that person feel even more estranged. You need to allow a person to be whatever it is that they are if you really want to be able to understand them. It’s not the instant gratification that we would all like. It takes patience. It’s never a “figuring someone out”. It’s a “learning who they are”. Sometimes the most difficult people to learn end up having the most beautiful personalities.

Something else I just wanted to take note of was the idea of having a bad day. I don’t think bad days exist. A day is a day and it always good because the day exists at all. Sometimes it can be very difficult, like when a loved one dies or a tragic event occurs. The event was bad. Not the day. The day is another milestone, paving the road of each individual’s timeline and shaping each’s personality. So, everyday is a good day no matter how difficult. It was created and granted to us. It kind of reminds me of all those summers at Camp Otterbein for church camp, singing This is the Day up on Vespers Hill.

CLOSING THOUGHT: I want to carve some pumpkins!

Joy is so Difficult

It gets so hard sometimes. It’s hard to go it alone. I don’t want to admit it, but I miss him. I miss protective arms around me that made me feel safe. I miss knowing someone cared about me. I miss the good times. Though there weren’t many, I miss them.

I do it far too much. I compare myself to every other girl I see. I rationalize my insecurities by proving to myself that I’m not as good as this girl or that girl, and that’s why he did what he did to me and left me for one of those girls.

Would I take him back… I hope not. But it still hurts like hell to know that he doesn’t even think about me. After all… he was the one to use the word “love”. I just don’t know how someone could hurt someone so badly and not even care.

I have to struggle to resist doing things to myself that are destructive because it’s how I’ve learned to deal with the pain.

I had so much joy just a few days ago.

Don’t pray for me. I don’t need that. You’d be wasting it on me. I need comfort. I need someone who will hold me and want to take the pain away.

It’s going to be a long, difficult wait for that person.

Some times I’m weaker than other times.

*sigh* I just wish he would say he was sorry.

Summer is for flipping burgers and records!

As I mentioned in my last post, this is the season of loud outdoor music concerts. I started making a mental list of songs that just seem to belong outside during this season. I’m sure there are more, but these are just the ones that I could think up off the top of my head:

“There’s No Home For You Here” – The White Stripes
“All the Small Things” – Blink 182
“Fortunate Son” – CCR
“Shook Me All Night Long” – ACDC
“Mr. Brownstone” – Guns & Roses
“Pardon Me” – Incubus
“Sports And Wine” – Ben Folds
“Ants Marching” – DMB
“Do You Feel Like We Do” – Peter Frampton (extended live version of course)
“Magic Carpet Ride” – Steppenwolf
“Awakening” & “Gone” – Switchfoot
“Young” – Nickle Creek
“Young” – Kenny Chesney
“Immigrant Song” – Zeppelin
“Gloria” & “Baby Please Don’t Go” – Van Morrison
“Wake up, Wake up” – Everyday Sunday
“Breathe Into Me” – RED
“I Believe In A Thing Called Love” – Darkness (This should be listened to loudly in a car with the windows down)
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice” – The Beach Boys
“Click Click Boom” – Saliva
“I Might Be Wrong” – Radiohead (possibly…It’s a little slow)
“Hang On Sloopy” – The McCoys (Maybe it’s an Ohio thing)
“Where It’s At” – Beck
“Just Push Play” – Aerosmith
“Sgt. Pepper” – The Beatles (At least up until The Wonder Years theme)
“The Devil’s Dance Floor” – Flogging Molly
“Never Gonna Stop Me” – Rob Zombie
“El Distorto Melodica” – Everclear
“I’m Not Your Stepping Stone” – Monkees
“You’re Unbelievable” – EMF
“Hands Open” – Snow Patrol

Ah yes! My music is blasting right now :) Happiness!


CLOSING THOUGHT: The bangs are back!