Dreamweaver

I had a strange dream two nights ago. It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream at all… at least, one that has seemed strikingly significant.

Something particularly strange was the appearance of someone that I don’t really even know. I know them by name only and really know nothing about the person.

In my dream, it seemed like there was some point I was desperately trying to find, but I kept missing. It kept switching from one situation to another with the same theme. I was working so hard at making sure I was doing things right, that I, inevitably, was the cause of everything crashing down around me.

It seemed I kept ruining all the things in my life, which mean the most to me without meaning to, but it was all set out in metaphors. I’d be writing to a friend and look up to see their picture decay before my eyes, fixing a light and it sets the house on fire, and they just kept getting worse. At one point I was giving a speech about how there is hope for humanity on the mall at Washington D.C. only to be stopped short by the sounds of planes flying overhead and they dropped bombs on all the people as I helplessly watched the innocent blow apart. I tried to drink water out of my hands and my fingers began to bleed. Everything that went wrong was caused my me trying to do things right. Things got so bad in the dream that I found myself standing alone at a bus stop in Boston and I didn’t even want to breathe for fear of what the consequence of taking a breath might be, when that person showed up.

I don’t know why it was that particular guy and not just a random person (especially since I already mentioned that I really don’t know anything about him) He was looking at me and I got that embarrassed/ nervous feeling I get when I know someone has noticed me. At first I didn’t know who he was. He came over to me and asked for directions to a place I had never heard of. At that point I was at an utter loss and had refused to move any further because of the problems I was causing. I just looked at him and didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone you don’t really know? Finally I said, “I can’t help you. I just moved here from Ohio and I still don’t really know my way around.”

I just waited for some horrible thing to happen to him, but instead his eyes widened and he said, “Ohio? Really? I’m from Ohio.” I was rather timid to talk to him at first, but we recounted what parts of Ohio we were from and the areas we knew. I can’t remember how the whole conversation went, but after a while I relaxed when I realized nothing bad was going to happen. Just before he turned to leave, he said, “Don’t worry so much. It is not required that you never make a mistake. You destroy your soul when you believe that everything you do is wrong. You are your own worst enemy.”

I said, “I just try to be a good person.” He said, “Screwing up doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you, you. And being yourself means accepting your flaws. Because you can either be beautiful, or a walking time-bomb. I know which one I’d prefer you to be, but it’s up to you.”

Then he pointed down the street and said, “It’s this way.” and started walking in that direction. I stood there watching him walk away thinking to myself what a strange conversation that had just taken place when he turned and called back over his shoulder, “Oh yeah, and stop trying so hard to be unnoticed. You aren’t meant to blend into the background.” Then he was gone. I stood there confused for a moment and then looked down the road where he had pointed and woke up.

I don’t really understand the last part of that, except that when I do things for people I don’t like to make a big deal out of it or take credit for it. I also tend to be under the assumption that if I’m not noticed, then at least I’m not being notice for doing something wrong. (Which, I know, is pretty strange for being an actress.) I guess I’m pretty content with doing good deeds, and taking care to not create any waves. Sometimes I get the overwhelming feeling that I’m meant to be doing great things, but I don’t know that I have the strength or wisdom that’s required to actually do them.

This dream has been nagging at me, as though I need to pay attention to it. It’s not like dreams where I’ve been at work too long and I dream that I’m still there, or dreams about shows that I’m in rehearsals for. Those are just meaningless dreams when my brain hasn’t switched out of work/acting mode. You know, like when you have driven for 12 hours and you dream that you’re still driving, or even the dreams that you can’t really remember. But this one is there. Vivid. Pressing against my thought. Demanding that I understand it.

I sent a short note to the guy from my dream. I kind of feel like an idiot that I did, but maybe it will help to ease my mind. I also dug out some certain Christian Rock/Punk CDs that I hadn’t unpacked yet. They may or may not relate. Just thought I’d listen to the songs to see if there was something in there that I was meant to hear. So far, I’m still confused.

CLOSING THOUGHT: Working St. Patrick's day/ weekend in an Irish Pub in Boston is proving to be one of the craziest, most interesting, irritating, and essentially most tiring things I've done yet in my life. I am so not thrilled to be working so many doubles. At least I know that I never want to get that drunk or act that stupid.