Take My Life, or Take My Wife?

Goodbye world. There is nothing more obvious than the fact that I don't belong here. That I am not of this world. I cannot call this place my home because a home welcomes you and this world has been far, far from a welcome place to me. So, goodbye world. Hello purgatory. This is just a place of continuous waiting. Waiting for life, waiting for love, waiting for peace.

I had a thought this weekend. There are so many Christian songs that say, "Lord, I give you all of me." Or "Take my life and let it be." I thought about it for a while and then thought, what if it were "Take my wife" instead? It seems so easy for me to give myself, to give my life. Cause I know that in a second I would give my life for a friend, and that scares me, but not nearly as much as it scares me that God is asking me to give up someone else.

How hard would it be for you to tell a man that God took his wife by cancer because he knew that it would be her dieing wish that he convert to Christianity and that's how God worked through her to get to him? Think about Abraham and how God wanted his son and Abraham was willing. He simply said "If that's what you want, Lord, let it be." Would you be able to handle the responsibility and essential guilt of knowing you were giving someone else to benefit yourself because that is part of God's plan? Or even something less severe than life or death… What if it were some strong desire that is standing in the way of your focus on God?

Am I strong enough to say, "God, I give you my future husband who I haven't even met yet."? Am I able to say, "Lord, take my future husband from me so that I may shift my focus from this constant struggle and searching for love and shift my focus back to you who has loved me all along."? Am I strong enough? I know I am no Abraham. And I don't like the idea of being alone even though I should be content with the knowledge that God is the only one I need and I am never alone with him.

I long for a companion, a true friend, someone to talk to. I wish I were stronger and I wish I weren't constantly being dragged back down into painful memories by the demons inside me. I fear I am losing this fight.

CLOSING THOUGHT: Am I strong enough to give you away before I even meet you?